Trust Your Instincts & Find Your Own Way
Dearest self,
You will be pooped on. Mustard popcorn smelling poop. Everywhere. There will come a time though when you won't even find it gross. That's how gross you are! You will leave the house feeling allllll proud of yourself for showering. Shit. You even put on pants. You'll swing by the coffee shop to re-caffeinate, use the bathroom, finally look in the mirror and realize you have vomit all over your shoulder... oh! and two dried milk stains encircling your nips. Black was a bad choice. That's what you get for being a smug bastard. Don't ever get too proud of your parenting wins because the second you figure something out, the mommy gods will strike you down! And you will wake up to a whole new baby. Babies be babies. Always changing.
Don't get too proud of those giant boobies either! Those milk balloons on your chest will soon be deflated. The second you stop BF, they'll be floppy empty sacks... ravaged by babies. Where once there were glorious normal nipples, you will now have two dangling, wrinkly purple fingers. You will wonder if you will ever be sexual again. But you will! Or at least your husband will lie to you because he is horny.
Here I go. Oof. Ignore what I just said. The more important take away here is be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Don't judge other parents and don't judge yourself. Everyone has the fucking cure for everything. This worked with their kid! "DO IT!" Don't. Follow your gut. Don't take anything people say too seriously. People's opinions have a way of getting in your head & making you feel like you're doing everything wrong. Every kid is different. Every family is different. Every piece of advice you hear/read will conflict with everything else. If you co-sleep, you will kill your kid. If they miraculously survive, they will sleep with you 'til college. It'll ruin your marriage. If you CIO, you may sleep, but you will brain damage your child and ruin any chance of bonding. Forever! Ignore all! Trust your instincts and find your own way. Whatever works. And stay nimble. It'll change tomorrow anyway.
You will struggle. You'll be stoked when you can sleep for three hours in a row. Sleep deprivation is not an adequate description. You will wonder why this sock is so stupid hard to put on. You will spill breastmilk and actually bawl. All that fancy pants college, & now lil feminist you, you will be stupid. And suck at work. And pretty much all outside life for a while. Your baby will not stop crying. Unless you bounce. You'll realize it is 5 am and you've been bouncing on a yoga ball for four gawdamn hours! Your work alarm will go off in T-minus 45. Then quiet. You'll cuddle up with that adorable little baked potato and you will fall madly in love with him all over again. You'll feel deeply content. The universe in place. Awww. You will close your eyes. Doze off. WHAAAAAGH! 5 minute cat nap. Sucker. Time to rinse & repeat.
But this hard part won't always be like this. There will come a day, when your baby isn't a baby. When suddenly they become a wild fox climbing on the refrigerator. When they tell YOU stories. When they tell YOU jokes!! OMG. Toddler poop jokes are so good. Funny at all ages. There will come a perfect day... a complete day. A day at home when you play fire truck, build train tracks, make a pika den from scarves, play hide & seek, paint a birthday card for a friend, snuggle on the couch together, make up songs, bake a pie together (something you used to do with your dad.) After a perfect taco dinner, you will all fart ... and then you will watch your husband play barbershop with him. Repeatedly. Getting different haircuts and giggling. You will fall in love with both of them all over again. You will read your favorite childhood story together. He'll ask you about letters. Then he'll say wait... "I gotta go get my baby sister." He'll bring in the doll that you made for him. He'll say "Let's read to baby sister, too." He'll prop her up because "She can't sit yet." And you will hold back tears. Three months ago, to help prepare him for the arrival of his baby sister, you spent three gawdamn weeks making him this Waldorf doll. Up until now this doll has been used for MMA fights... thrown across the room or put under the table. (Each time you would cry inside. Dammit! Nobody puts baby in the corner!!!) BUT... suddenly, two days before his baby sister is due... he gets it. He sweetly wants to include and take care of his doll. HEART MELTING!!! And that damn doll isn't even real! Imagine the water works when he plays with a real live miniature human!! Very soon. Soon you'll get to do this amazing crazy ride all over again. You're going to get your ass kicked, but it's going to be marvelous.
Love,
A