Rise Up Goddess Warrior

Hey Girl,

Let me be clear: You never deserved it. None of what happened was your fault. Being there, wearing an outfit you felt good/comfortable in, being friends, drinking, going to sleep... none of that equates to or implies consent.

No means no. Full stop.

Rape is defined, by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, as: "Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim." 

Rape is rape. Full stop.

2006: Forgive yourself for all that tequila and for caving to the pressure of keeping up with the boys. Shot by shot, glass by glass, you were inexperienced and didn’t know your limit until it was far too late. You were beyond drunk. After an insane amount of vomiting, you were found passed out on the bathroom floor, had to be physically lifted, and then held up to walk out to the deck for fresh air. You could barely see, think, speak, or even hold your head up. (Know that you’ll get drunk and sick again in your life; but will never get this drunk again, ever.) Doesn’t matter that he was your crush, the hangout at his apartment was an informal date, and not even whatever the conversation might have been out on that deck... you had to be held upright being brought to his bed! While certain sections of memory might be fuzzy, you distinctly said “no” before feeling that particular pressure of him and then blacking out. You wake the next morning with an unfamiliar pain between your legs.

Virginity gone.

That was not your fault, sweet girl. You didn’t need to silence/hide the shame by making it sound consensual upon arriving back to your dorm and seeing the happiness on your best friend’s face. She would have supported you. You know he didn’t intend you harm, but still never see him again. You’ll find a way to move forward, but will feel sick every single time people think sharing “1st time” stories is fun. You never know what to do, so you either get away or lie. I’m sorry.

2009: (It’s okay that we still can’t bear this next guy’s name. We’ll just call him Voldemort.) At the time, Voldemort was a mutual friend, so drinking as a group at the bar then joining everyone back at a friend’s house made sense. When you all decided to go to sleep, you did nothing wrong choosing to sleep alone on the couch. As you fell asleep and he made his first attempt, he heard you say “no.” Unfortunately you didn’t know he was only changing his tact, -although you felt he was hard as he pressed against your back- he pretended to respect your words by asking to just cuddle. He was supposed to be your friend. It’s okay that you thought you could trust him and fell asleep. You woke, but were unable to move. He removed your clothes and held you down to the point of bruising. It’s not your fault that you couldn’t get more than another two “no’s” out before the shock and fear took over. Your system can’t handle it and shuts down, retreating for safety inside of your mind. He should have heard you. He should have seen the tears streaming down your face, even if his face kept popping out from between your thighs. When you’re finally able, you will fight him off, yell “No!” in an attempt for your friends upstairs to hear, and scramble away to huddle naked in the corner. His fear of being caught will get him to run from the house, but not before accusing you of wanting it and scaring you with his law school jargon. 

Shame. On. Him.

Remembering how you wished last time you’d told your college best friend, now back home you bravely tell one of your best lady friends here. Never could you imagine she’d be the one to sternly silence you. Shame on her.

Shame. On. Her.

It’ll take years, but you will realize she doesn’t deserve to be in your life. This rape is the one that really shatters you. Although you’re forced to see him and remain silent while with your group of friends, you will find a way out. You will discover whom from the group actually are friends, and you’ll be able to block Voldemort from your life, despite all his attempts to return.

And for all those other times throughout our life when entitled guys had to be pulled off of us (especially while you slept), we had to fight back, endure them breaching our personal space & trust... I’m sorry. But, again, not your fault. Forgive yourself for living, remember you're not responsible for their behavior, and keep going.

You’re completely changed, and have a whole new degree of trust issues... but... guess what? Intimacy (sexual or otherwise with anyone) won’t always be easy, but it will stop feeling like death. You will find men that you trust to be intimate with, and they won’t harm you. He will hear your words and respect them. He sees your intense fear but never pushes you to explain. While none of them were the man for you, and you’re still scared as hell, you will start to see light on the other side.

I’m sorry all of this happened to you. I’m sorry your world shattered. I’m sorry that I can’t give you the strength to go to the police or feel safe. I wish it were different. I’m sorry.

The world in 2020 is waking to the realization that rape, assaults, and harassment are not rare events. Unfortunately, a predator is currently in the White House, but... Society has risen up, and is starting to fight back. You’ll discover you’re not alone. You’ll even see some of those you admire using their clout responsibly, both in person and on social media platforms... they’ll be wearing “Believe Women” shirts, and voicing support to all... they will inadvertently be your voice. It will not change our past, but does help the pain.

You do not have to accept the label “survivor,” and certainly can fully reject the “victim” label. Forget all of that. This is a part of you and your history, unfortunately you can’t escape that, but... it’s only a part of you, not your definition. Believe there is more, and rise. In 2019 you’ll fall in love with a particular Broadway show, it will plant seeds of strength with its Cherapy, and it will teach you the term, “Goddess Warrior.” Listen, cry, absorb, learn, and for goodness sake Believe.

None of this took you out.  Your body is yours and you’re still here.  Be your own damn hero.

Rise up, Goddess Warrior.

Life does go on. You will find joy. 

Believe.